One year ago...

Just recently I have been sorting through my notes from KBC. Yes, they have been sitting in one massive messy pile ever since last summer. I stuffed them under my bed and have only pulled them out when I really need to find something, always thinking, "Someday I will organize this." Well the impetus for change came last week when I went to my friend Judith's house. Watching her iron every single thing that came out of the laundry basket was bound to have some impact on my life. Considering that I have only used an iron twice in the past 6 months, it was highly unlikely that I would start ironing my socks, so I opted for sorting through this pile of notes.

And you know what? It has been a blessing. Not because the organizing has enriched my life (although I'm sure that I will appreciate it in the future), but because it has given me a chance to look back on what God has done in my life. I found prophetic words which suddenly make so much sense. I found encouraging notes from friends. I found challenging questions which I still want to work through.

And I found this. I wrote it almost exactly a year ago during an extremely painful time. I think it was just something I scribbled down during a lecture when my heart was so full that it had to spill over a little. We were studying Ephesians that week and talking about being adopted as children of God. I also had been hanging onto Romans 5:3-5. So that is the background. This is what I wrote:

Papa God

I feel abandoned

hurting

alone

without the ability to hope

I can't see why things are this way

I can't see how they will ever change

But

You have adopted me

You bought me with Your blood

You call me Your child, Your heir

You are my Papa God

You don't explain it all

But

You tell me You are at work

You tell me there is a point to this

You tell me that it's not for nothing

You tell me to rejoice in suffering

because it produces perseverance

which produces character

which produces the hope that will not put me to shame

My Papa God

I wait for Your hope

~

Looking back on the past year, it is amazing to see how God has given me hope. He has brought beauty out of ashes just like He promised. It happened so slowly that I didn't always recognize it, but He was working just the same. So much has changed in the past year.

And yet so much is still the same.

I still feel very close to the girl who wrote those words. The pain isn't raw anymore, but I can still feel it. And because I can still feel the pain, I can still feel that desperate dependency on God. I feel like I am walking with a limp and I hope I always will because it reminds me of the relentless, gentle love of my Father.

I am thankful for that time of darkness because I learned so much more through it than I could have during happy sunny days. But I am also glad that I am in a different place now.

Thank You Jesus for the suffering which produced perseverance which produced character. But most of all, thank You for Your hope. You do all things well!